i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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