And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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