i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
