I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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