um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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