cat food counts as protein by the way
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
