I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
