watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
