I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
