Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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