Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
