she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
