i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
