ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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