so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
