I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
