no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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