I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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