at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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