we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
