I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
