When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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