I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
