I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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