I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
