I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
