I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
