On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
