Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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