Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
