no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
