Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
