census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well you can't waste a boner
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
