The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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