So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Randomize
