I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
