My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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