I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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