she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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