mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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