you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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