"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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