You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
