i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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