Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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