dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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