I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
