I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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