I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
