I wish I could punch you in the face.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
