yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
