yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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