If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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