What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
