he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
