We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
