So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Randomize
