The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
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