I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
